Some time ago I met a friend who asked if I could sing any of those extravagent songs in church proclaiming a deep and undying love for God.  I confessed that I could not.

I think that, for a variety of reasons, I have stopped doing so for some time.  It is not that I don’t care for God; I think and hope that I do.  But with a slightly better understanding of God’s grace (which comes as youthful impetuousness gives way to age), I have found myself unable to measure up to the Infinite, that whatever righteousness I may have - to borrow from the dramatic imagery in Isaiah 64 : 6 - is like filthy rags.

And so many times I have found more meaningful instead, those songs which remind me of God’s unconditional love, and my need to rely on God.

Like this Mandarin worship song which was playing during my drive home today.  Those who know me, will know that Mandarin is not one of my strengths, to say the least about my linguistic ability or lack thereof.  So while I could roughly make out it’s meaning, credit goes to the Beloved who helped me decipher it’s meaning more completely.

"One step by one step, this is the road of grace,
Your love, Your hand,
Holding me tightly to You.

One step by one step, this is the road of hope,
Your love, Your hand,
Guiding me through life’s journey."

It sounds a lot more elegant in Mandarin, of course.

A friend was observed to be sighing away and, I guess, thought to be heartbroken.  It finally emerged that his wife had probably bought a Birkin bag, at his expense of course.  This is the conversation which ensued -

A : For the unitiated … a birkin bag costs between US$9,000 - US$150,000 according to Wikipedia.

Me : LOL.  I think if Joyce bought that, I would sigh too.

A : And fall sick too ?

B : A birkin cannot be simply bought with money.  U have to be on waiting list.  U cannot just walk into the hermes shop and ask for it even if it’s on display.  My pt is, there are many hurdles … so don’t worry about Joyce.  If she did get it, then she must really have loved it and if so, it is your husbandly duty to pay for it.  Muahahahaha …

(A and B are both women).

I wrote this many months ago to a couple of friends, when I was in a better mood.  I always thought it would be too serious and boring to publish. 

But as a partial response to a comment that "why do we hear so many tragic stories to which there really is no way to see how they would be blessed by the … God of love?", here it is :

Hi all,

1. [ Today ] … we managed to talk about some very important and personal questions which is good.  If I could summarise what we said about suffering today, I think it would be :

(a)  from a rational perspective, suffering reminds us that we see a distinction between good and evil / good and bad, and we can see that only because there is a God who draws a distinction between good and evil / good and bad.  If there is no god as atheists would like to believe, then it does not matter whether anyone lives or dies, or how he dies.  We would be nothing more than highly evolved cockroaches.

(b)  from a man vis-à-vis God perspective, it is a reminder to be humble; that man does not have control over everything in his life.

(c)  from a personal growth perspective, personal suffering challenges us to grow and reflect the glory of God.  Everyone suffers in one way or another (and ultimately everyone will physically die in this lifetime).  This challenge to respond in a way that builds our Christlikeness, allows us to bless other with our Christlikeness, and helps us to identify with the struggles of non-Christians.  If Christians never suffered, we would never be able to identify with non-Christians who suffer, and we would not be able to show them the love of God in a meaningful way and bring them to Christ. 

(d)  from a Kingdom (ie. God’s bigger plan) perspective, suffering can glorify God.  In the gospels is an account of Jesus healing a man who was blind from birth.  Jesus said that the reason for that man’s blindness, is so that God would be glorified by the healing.  It’s not nice to learn that sometimes we have to suffer as part of God’s bigger plan, but it happens.

2. Two final points on suffering which I did not have a chance to mention :

(a)  from the perspective of God’s provision and grace, suffering is one of God’s ways of preventing us from doing more harm to ourselves or others.  Suffering is sometimes the result of wrong doing or bad decisions.  If there is no suffering in, say, contracting HIV/AIDS or in a car accident or in a heart attack or stroke, there would be nothing to prevent us from engaging in irresponsible sex, drunk driving or in eating unhealthily.

(b)  from the perspective of an individual and in connection with paragraph 1(d) above, there will probably be many times when we do not know the reason for suffering, whether to ourselves or to others.  This was the conclusion in Job – that God and His plans are far too great for Job to comprehend.  We cannot fully explain God or why everything that God does or allows (and if we could, He would no longer fit into the definition of “God”).  However, there is assurance in the fact that God loves us and walks with us in our suffering.  That is why, when Lazarus first died, Jesus wept – He identified with the people who were mourning the death.  For this reason, Jesus was not born in a palace, but in humble circumstances and He died a horrible (first) death — this is God’s commitment to identifying with our earthly suffering, a demonstration that while He will not spare us from the consequences of the fall from Eden, He is committed to being with us (“Emmanuel” or “God with us” was one of Jesus’ names).

"So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." (Steve Jobs)

I have yet to figure out why trusting in "whatever" is regarded as helpful and inspirational advice.  But it seems that in the current climate in which the untimely death of Steve Jobs is still fresh on our minds, that we cannot get away from quoting some of his nuggets of wisdom.  So during Alpha at the Workplace today I shared my belief (quoting Steve Jobs as some kind of pseudo-authority), that God would like us, whether we believe in Him or not, and whether Christian or not, to reflect on and connect the dots in our lives. 

These dots can take the form of a over-zealous Christian stuffing a pamphlet about Christianity in our hands while we’re walking down the street, or being overwhelmed by awe and wonder as we look at spectacular scenery, or even a sad or painful or tragic event – such as Steve Jobs’ untimely death – which reminds us of our mortality or human limitations. 

God speaks through these dots.  It is my belief that when we are quiet enough, attentive enough, and reflective enough, we will notice these small dots, and that these small dots when connected, point us back to God, and the direction which God wants us to take in our lives.

What I did not mention at Alpha today was that I had just turned 36, and that in the weeks prior to and the days after my birthday, I was desperately trying to find and connect the dots in my life.  Maybe this is some sort of midlife crisis (I am, after all, half dead).  But it is also perfectly me to be reflective, to try and find a deeper meaning in and purpose to events in my life.

Particularly the negative ones, like why I am born so short (I’m kidding).  The positive events I can generally deal with – if I work hard, conduct myself with integrity, am nice to people generally, and things fall into place, why should it surprise me when good results ?

It is the negative events – when something bad happens apparently at random or despite my best efforts to achieve a good outcome – which really gnaw at my inner being.  Is life totally random (and therefore completely meaningless) ?  Is God sleeping or non-existent (and there is therefore no God to worship) ?  Is God blind or unfair (and therefore unworthy of worship) ?

Philosophically and intellectually – is there a difference between the two terms ? – I have issues with settling for any the above conclusions.  Hence my ongoing quest for the holy grail of the meaning of and purpose in life.

(Maybe it is in writing.  Well, I hope that at least a part of it is in writing.  Maybe I’ll end up like Henri Nouwen – I don’t know, I honestly doubt that I’m so sacrificial – that’s just a random thought).

And because I have yet to find that specific overarching meaning and purpose, I find myself unable to seriously plan for anything.  I am, I think, seriously unambitious because I have yet to find that specific overarching meaning and purpose which points me in the direction which I should take, and I do not want to construct some grand plan for myself which I might later find inconsistent with the yet-to-be-found overarching meaning and purpose.  (Or maybe I’m just lazy.)

Which means I pretty much live from day to day.  I reflect deeply, try but usually fail to see the dots or how they connect, and sometimes end up depressed.  And so I told a friend partly in jest today (but not without a bit of pain) that “I don’t plan for anything in life.  I just think deeply about the present and get depressed”.

If there is one good thing about this – and here I have to say that it is one really, really good thing – it is that God has not dishonoured this (a statement in the double negative, friends often point out).  I have been blessed with much good in my lifetime, though I did not actively plan for it.  I did not plan to do what I am currently doing, to earn what I am currently earning, to excel and what I currently excel in (I think), but all that has happened to me.  I suppose many of my peers would be more successful by conventional standards, but I think there would also be many people who would not find my current position in life, intolerable.

"The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance." (Psalms 16:16)

Why world do you weep 
at Steve’s death,
when you appear to think nothing 
of little lives lost in lesser lands ?

Why world would you pay
hundreds for an iPhone,
when you appear to spend almost nothing
on little lives in lesser lands ?

Why world should you wail
at 56 years’ potential prematurely failed -
is it that you think nothing
of the potential of those little lives lost in lesser lands ?

(The above is not intended to diminish what Steve Jobs has accomplished in his lifetime, which is to be appropriately respected and admired).

I am close to finishing the book of Jeremiah and have found it to be utterly depressing.  I thought it was depressing when I read it in the past, but now even more so.

Jeremiah 29 : 11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope" - is often quoted as an encouragement to Christians.

The context in which that promise was given is, however, hardly a cause for cheer.  Jerusalem was destroyed, it’s royal family killed, it’s inhabitants exiled to Babylon - punishment for disobedience to God - and the short period of peace for the survivors remaining in Jerusalem shattered by the assassination of the Babylonian-appointed governor, followed by the desperate flight of these survivors to Egypt which Jeremiah warned against (a warning which, as usual, went unheeded).

Even Jeremiah objects and complains to God about his miserable ministry as a prophet.  "Why me ?", I can almost hear him asking in Jeremiah 20.  "Why do You make me proclaim violence and destruction all day long ?".

Against this backdrop, Jeremiah 29 to 31 stands apart as one of the few passages in which Jeremiah speaks of hope and restoration.  But still I find myself grasping for hope - these promises would be fulfilled only 70 years from the time they were proclaimed.  A long time even today, when medical advancements allow many people to live beyond that.  Many in the generation of Jews who heard these promises, would not live to see it pass.

I am a shallow person.  I do not like to wait.  I like instant gratification.  So a few days ago as I went to bed depressed, I asked God if He could make me feel better when I woke up.

God’s reply was a reminder from a passage which I have not read for a long time, a passage aptly written by the very same person (ie. Jeremiah) who proclaimed and witnessed disaster around him but in another book, titled "Lamentations" (which, er, means "mourning" or "grieving") -

"… His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning,
great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3 : 22, 23)

And that is good enough for me.